Things happen... just too sudden

Its 12 am in the morning,
I am already tired,
but I am just refuse to sleep
1/11/11 this date was my father's death date
so make its exactly 1 year and 2 days after
he passed away
Just one year, I am starting to afraid
my memories of him is starting to fade away
its blur..
and I don't want to, I never want to

I still remember few days after he passed away
me and my family was check his leftover things
and I found out that,
I don't even took picture with him personally
now I have nothing left to look at and yearn
Just having that whole family picture when my eldest brother marry
the biggest regret in my life,
but what can I do now

And now think of, my country national day
August 31th, its just national day for others
but for my family
it's my father birthday, and my parent anniversary
I was never have a chance to pay him a nice dinner
I was still young, even I wanted to
he will just say "better keep it to yourself
beside, its my money"
but I just remember I bought him a shirt once
my own money from work
and I can see the way he cherish it,
just a normal shirt, but he will wear it only when going out dinner with us

damn myself...

The night before he went to sky kingdom
I was back late, but he was still awake
the we sit and talk for awhile
we were still talking
still laughing
just next day I was in college then receive call from my brother
and told me to calm down then tell what happen
I really really really hope he was joking
but who will make this kind of joke
who will...
and I never got the chance to say goodbye
it was so sudden
I know, my sadness can't compare to my third elder brother
he working with him that day,
and watch him die...

just after he done his job
he suddenly feel unwell
then he sat,
he struggle awhile... then he is gone
how fragile...
but still, I was relieve, because he never suffer much before he move to somewhere better
I cried like I never had before on his funeral
and cry, and cry and again
that month
every time... every time I saw something remind me of him
I feel like crying, one time I was just almost burst out while I am on a train
I'm being seldom go out with friends after that happen
even friend ask me, its just not like you man
but what could I tell em?
they will never understand
I am afraid, I am scared, that will happen again

And I never said I love him
I should have...